Wines of the Apocalypse

[box] This is a guest post by noted wine blogger and creator of many awesome wine video reviews, Jeff Eckles. Check him out at The Lonely Vine.

Jeff Eckles is a blogger about wine and all things “drink” related. You can find more of his fun and informative articles, videos, and review-related material at The Lonely Vine. Check it out.

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If the end is near, are you prepared?

The apocalypse

It seems that every year there is talk of the coming apocalypse, but this year has been particularly newsworthy for the doomsayers. Mayan calendars, near-Earth space rocks, unheard-of weather phenomena, Honey Boo Boo, and while none of these are actually signs of end times, they are reminders that we should all be prepared for emergencies. I could spend time talking about building a smart and functional emergency kit and plan for the short-term natural disasters that strike across the world every year, but there are plenty of sites available for that. What I want to talk about are the game changers, long-term disruption of society as we know it, and how you can prepare for it … from a wine perspective. Yes, I said from a wine perspective. That may seem like a strange thing to look at if the “society is no more” switch gets flipped, but I think you will see that wine will become an incredibly diverse and useful commodity to have around if the bedrock of life as we know it crumbles by the wayside.

If the apocalypse comes, why should I care about wine?

An excellent question. I have three answers.

Monetary value: As governments disappear, product shipping evaporates, and banking goes offline, people will quickly turn to a bartering system for what goods and services are available. When that happens you can expect the most needed products to quickly rise in value during these negotiations. What do you think will be some of the most valued commodities? Food, clean water, precious metals, fuel, weapons, medicine, and yes, alcoholic products will be on that list as well. After all, if you think you need a drink after a tough day at the office now, think about after a day of fending off rival clans, zombies, or the ruling ape overlords.
Medicinal purposes: This is where wine separates itself from whiskey and beer as the primary drink to have post-apocalypta. Not only will wine serve as a libation, but it also carries an extensive list of medicinal qualities. In the new world, there will no longer be pharmacies on every corner to provide a constant stream of pills to cure your ailments. Wine has been proven time and time again to be of great benefit to us humans. Take a look at the following list and you will see how a bottle of wine could be nicknamed “liquid gold.”
• Antiseptic: The acid and alcohol in the wine will help clean wounds and kill microbes that could do us harm.
• Aids in digestion: After all, who knows what you’ll be eating.
• Bonus: Wine has been shown to lower the risk of cataracts, heart disease, stroke, blood pressure, and brain decline.
Don’t drink the water: When the Roman legions marched their way across the known world, they carried wine with them. The fact is, you won’t know the quality or safety levels of any water you come in contact with. Wine will be safe, though, and delicious.

Pairing wines with apocalypses

Since we don’t know exactly what kind of apocalypse will befall us, it is important to prepare for several possibilities. After all, you don’t want to be stuck in the middle of a societal collapse with the wrong wine, pshaw! There are all kinds of apocalyptic scenarios, but for this discussion I will focus on four that cover a wide range of differing cataclysms.

Meteor strike: Bruce Willis wasn’t able to drill into this one in time, and the meteor impacts Earth. Not full-scale nuclear winter, but enough dust cover to make you believe that a Westeros-style winter has arrived. You are going to want big-bodied, higher-alcohol wines to warm you up and fight off that chill. The foods you will be eating will be, when possible, as hearty as you can make them and you will want a similar wine.

Cabernet Sauvignon, Syrah, Port, Zinfandel. Even consider heating it and adding some spices for a mulled wine.

Global warming: The planet has warmed to the point of Water World or Mad Max. You are either in an ocean or a desert, but either way, the heat is constant. Forget the big-bodied wines, you want something light and refreshing with high acidity and minerality to go with the lighter-bodied foods you will be eating.

German Riesling, Chablis, and Albarino will be your go-to wines.

Red Dawn: Your country has been invaded! You’ve retreated to higher, sparsely populated ground for safety and the ability to hide. Long winters and cool summers will be common as you work to higher altitudes. Your foods will be based on what game you can hunt and plants you can forage. So a wine that has some body, brings fruit, and some gamey notes will be a welcome addition to your cave.

Bring on the Grenache.

Zombies: Like I could put this list together and not include the walking dead. The other scenarios were primarily based on environmental conditions, but in the zombie apocalypse, it’s about being quick and avoiding the slow walkers (yes, in my zombie apocalypse they are slow walkers, not the fast “28 days later” types). You have to rely on your wits and reaction speed more than anything else.

Keep the sparkling wine on hand for this one. Not only will the low-alcohol wines allow you to keep your wits, but a new game could be invented based on killing the walkers when popping a cork.

Obviously we all hope that nothing like this ever happens. But the reality is that natural disasters do happen, and everyone would be wise to have appropriate plans and supplies in place for short-term disruptions. If it goes long-term, all bets are off, all rules will be rewritten, but wine will still be in demand. Make sure you stock up on enough wines of the apocalypse today … then enjoy them tomorrow. Cheers!