Driving to the Apocalypse in My Chevy
Due to the Mayan claim that the world will end before you read this, stop now. But, hey, if you are reading this, then we are still here, which explains why the Mayans do not make current calendars, and if they did I am sure they would have kittens in Aztec gear.
But let us move on, and explore beyond this hiccup to the possibilities of what we should be driving in the end, to the apocalypse as it might be. The team here at We Like Shooting sat down and mapped out different doomsday scenarios and what we should drive to the end of the world. Our criteria fell to this: We need a roomy interior for our gear, four-wheel drive, and decent gas mileage, as you never know when the next fill-up will be. Our winner is the Chevy Suburban, and for good measure we went with the LTZ model, because, hey, if it is the end, our asses will be seated in heated leather seats.
When our Suburban arrived, we did what any normal doomsday prepper would do: We blasted some rap music and went hunting for some single ladies. Wait, no, that is not right. We took ownership of the Suburban just as our first flakes began to fall here in Southern Michigan, just in time we thought. The three rows of seats could easily fit a good portion of our staff, but in every doomsday event — and don’t get me wrong, if we really wanted to bring them we could have, with the towing power of this beast (8,100 pounds) it would had been easy to hook up a trailer but people must be sacrificed. We quickly and with great ease flipped up the back row of seats to make more room for our survival gear, water, clothing, dry food etc, as well as some small (and large) firearms and ammo. Hey, sometimes it is an eat or be eaten world.
With several doomsday scenarios that could befall us, ice age, meteorite impact, alien invasion, zombies, warfare, we tried to test how this vehicle would work in all of these situations.
I have already mentioned how our collective asses will be warmed as the temperature drops, but the onboard weather system display (by XM) keeps us up to date on temperature, dew point, and even a five-day forecast (at this point, remember that the next ice age is upon us, the temperatures will be the following: Cold, Cold, Colder, Cold, FROZEN). At this point we would drive our four-wheel heated house south, through the once densely populated places like Detroit, through Ohio, onto warmer climates … who am I kidding, no one really lives in Detroit or Ohio.
While the flakes would fall around us, and the once-green earth is peppered with white patches, we would find that the GM Chevy Suburban is more than comfortable for the ride. With excellent climate control, neither a drop of sweat nor chill would touched our bodies. However we would be forced to kill and eat Phil from accounting. We did have plenty of food stored away in our vast expansive cabin area of the Suburban, it was just that Phil, has IBS and after further consideration it would just make everyone uncomfortable and no one would want to sit next to him.
The Suburban’s range on a tank of gas (30 gallons) is close to 600 miles, and with some spare fuel packed on the luggage rack, we could go on till Mexico. This we consider is far enough to get away from the worst part of the cold and wait out the ice age. Sure it could last 10,000 years, which gives us time to grow out that beard we have been keeping at bay for far too many years.
As Chicken Little once proclaimed, the sky is falling, and with meteorites crashing to Earth, the GM Chevy Suburban would be an excellent vehicle. As roads are pulverized into pulp by pieces of space rocks, we can drop the out of our normal 2-wheel drive into 4-wheel drive. Going from off-roading to no-roading in seconds. While the 18.5-foot-long, 6.6-foot-wide sturdy body and frame for the Suburban may not hold up to a flaming lava-hot, beach-ball-size stone traveling at 32 feet per second, its ability to maneuver around such impacts would greatly increase your survival chances. If the road gives way or lack of road for that matter, the Electronic Stability Control kicks in and keeps you from careening out of control, making a white-knuckle ride of survival seem more like a white-knuckle ride of adventure. Also, if by chance you do get hit by a one of these Earth-shattering balls of debris you will be well-insulated with several layers of protection, included Driver, Passenger, Side Head, Rear Head and Side Air Bag.
The nice thing about such a doomsday possibility is that meteors can’t pummel the Earth forever, so besides the aftermath of such an event, you and your Chevy Suburban will be more than equipped to travel in a postapocalyptic pock-marked Earth.
Seeing as the Hubble space telescope has yet to find life outside of our universe, we can rest well at night knowing that there will be no invaders from another world. But what if? If you are cruising in this beast and aliens are all around stealing our water and our women, for whatever nefarious plans they may have, rest assured that when they come across you riding in this Suburban you will either be treated as an equal or feared as a god. The tech available in the Suburban is crazy!! Did I mention a rearview camera — a camera in the rear: Why? Sure they say it helps you back up, but I think it is there so you can see all the people checking you out. I am almost sure of it.
Aliens and children will marvel at its entertainment center. You want to watch a video? Sure every row gets a screen. As you speed away from your city, town or farmhouse you can listen as Jeff Goldblum yells “MUST GO FASTER” in what? Yeah sound sound. And for those tight fits, push a button and your mirrors fold up. Nice touch. Or if your passengers want to kick out some Halo, done. It has AV hookups.
Our new alien overlords may see you cruising in such a ride and think you might have been king of the Earth and show you a bit of mercy. Maybe one less anal probe for you. Which really is a win:win.
Throngs of the undead are beating at your door, you and your family are stuck in your home, how do you escape? Simple, first you use your auto starter on your Suburban Key Fob. While this might not distract your mindless marauders, it will allow you to get up and go when it is time to leave. Next step, wait till your neighbor makes a run for it, this will attract the zombies and give you time to grab your bugout bag and lead your family to safety. Remember first rule of zombies, you do not have to run faster than them, just faster than the person you are with.
Next, you enter your vehicle. This thing is almost impenetrable. You are high enough off the ground that their outstretched hands will barely reach the windows, and the sleek curves of the hood would make it almost impossible for them to climb up. While they may attempt to hasten your departure with sheer numbers, you have an ungodly amount of horsepower and torque to help bully yourself through the sea of the unliving.
Where do you drive with zombies everywhere? Well in a Suburban, anywhere you want. But if you need to clear the road a bit? Pop out the sunroof and clean a couple clocks, or pop open the back window hatch sit in the comfort of a large carpeted cargo area and remove the “un” in undead.
You and a pack of unruly high school kids escape into the mountains (terrain that the Suburban would eat up!) leaving an invading force of foreign nationalists behind. Your Suburban is your key tool, besides the kids yelling WOLVERINES every so often a way to strike fear into your enemies is when they see this beast of a vehicle rolling over almost any obstacle or just driving around them. Another nice feature is the POI or Point of interest feature on your map: Look, there is a gas station, look there is a school, look there is a T-90 battle tank, glad that was on the map, otherwise we would have crushed it.
For all intents and purposes, the Chevy Suburban is a well-rounded vehicle for almost any situation. While I do not recommend you cheering on the end of days, or having some sort of participation in it (That goes for you, Dr. No), when the snow is piling up or the ground is breaking down, there is no other place to put your behind than in the captain’s seat of this GM vehicle.
I want to thank the folks at GM for lending our team this vehicle to test. It just so happens we actually were hit with one winter storm, then a week later a blizzard, and not once while driving the Suburban did we feel unsafe, or out of control, the beast of a vehicle commands the road with its size, features and safety.